By Stephanie Linehan
Cory Muscara (like ‘mascara’ - wink, wink) writes, “Think about the things you do to avoid stillness - scrolling on your phone, binge-watching TV shows, overworking yourself. These are common ways we distract ourselves from what is going on inside us. But these distractions can also become patterns that define our lives. So many of our negative patterns are just coping strategies to help us avoid feeling something uncomfortable.”
In my last blog, ‘Cathartic,’ I shared/admitted/divulged/brought to light (I like synonyms) my bulimia. Before the catharsis was the numbing. Food definitely had a numbing effect back then - even now. I could eat without thought or control because all day long I was thinking and controlling. Thinking in the sense of doubting, questioning, wondering, hoping, pondering, and assuming. All day long it was, “Do they like me?” “Am I good enough?” “Am I popular?” “Do I look okay?” That was mostly in high school and college. Trying to fit in, feel liked and worthy of a boyfriend. Nowadays especially is the rethinking and rehashing of my conversations and actions all day long. Exhausting. No wonder the binge at the end of the day. A little bit of guilt but a whole lot more of now-I-need-to-get-rid-of-this. Was it food, though, that I needed to get rid of? Or was it the rigidness, the discipline, and the perfection I strove for all day long. Exhausting. It wasn’t control of people or situations. Rather, it was always control of myself. Make sure I say just the right things. Make sure I don’t react and definitely don’t overreact. Make sure I am aware at all times. Thinking as a former classroom teacher, this could quite possibly have stemmed from the increase in school violence in recent years, the need to constantly have a plan in case something were to happen, and the practice with children that comes along with that. And lastly, make sure I am leading by example and helping as needed at all times. It started as a young child, as a Brownie and then a Girl Scout. And growing up Catholic. And probably, too, as the oldest daughter. Always on guard. I love that doTerra essential oil blend, by the way. Completely and utterly always on guard. Exhausting.
So … we numb. Because the days are filled back-to-back. Our schedules are jam packed. Our plates are so full. We don’t have - or give ourselves - a moment to let down. Heaven forbid we stop the juggle. So we numb. Because we have to hold it all together.
If we brought to light what we are numbing, what’s the worst that could happen? Lose a relationship or connect on a deeper level? Show the world your imperfection(s) and feel worthiness or feel alone in your vulnerability? What are we so scared of? Hurting others? Losing control? The unknown? The what-if’s? Are we truly willing to ‘numb’ for a lifetime instead of facing what is numbed? And finally, what are we numbing and is it really hope for something else? I’ll leave you with these rhetorical - perhaps journal-worthy - questions and some quotes of course.
“We can’t selectively numb emotion. Numb the dark and you numb the light.” - Brene Brown
“The pains you feel are messengers. Listen to them.” - Rumi
“Be the silent watcher of your thoughts and behaviors. You are the stillness beneath the mental noise.” - Eckhart Tolle
“Pain will find a way to make itself known.” - Brene Brown
“You’ll stop hurting when you stop hoping.” - Guillaume Musso
“Oh what we find when we stop searching. Oh what we feel when we stop forcing. Oh what we receive when we stop fearing. Oh what we become when we just love.” - Unknown
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