By Stephanie Linehan
I miss teaching this time of year -the stretch from Thanksgiving to Christmas. Parent-teacher conferences are done. Report cards have been submitted, printed, and sent home. There’s a sense of we’re together in this and we’ve made it this far. There seems to be a slight deviation from the normal curriculum and schedule. Time is set aside for meeting with classroom buddies, concerts, and keepsake projects. These few months into the school year also finally feel okay to, frankly, just pause. Take a time out. Be in the moment. Feel less rushed. But also to catch up. Or as I used to say and post around my classroom, “ketchup.”
I’d find a fun bottle of ketchup clipart image. Create a cute student to-do checklist, complete with boxes to check off. Students had the liberty and the freedom and the chance to time manage what needed to get finished. What they needed to get caught up on.
We’d close the classroom door, lower the lights, play soft music, and just lose ourselves in our work. If it was cold outside, I’d find a crackling “fire” coming from the Smartboard. There was no rush, no hurry in these blocks of time. No deadlines. Just an opportunity to work at a desired pace. And give time and attention to something that really needed it. It was going so fast in education, I felt I couldn’t keep up … let alone nine and ten year olds. I felt like a sieve - only letting so much through to my students. So they didn’t feel the pressure of the curriculum and the stress of the pacing calendars. It’s such a catch (no pun intended) 22 in education… and really no one’s fault… we want certain benchmarks met and goals attained for each and every student. But really good teachers - that's basically all of them (wink, wink) know, believe, and strive to honor the natural development and uniqueness of each child. Their own individual pacing calendar. That is truly the beauty of children - what they learn and figure out in their own time, in their own way. I miss that beauty. ;)
I really hope I modeled enough of that to my students. When to stop the madness and just be. When to close the door to the chaos and be in the here-and-now. When to realize things have gotten so out of control you need to stop. Pause. Breathe. Block out time to get caught up. Or do whatever you really need and want to do instead of have to do.
Well, let me tell you a little bit about “ketchup.” Or rather something catching up with you. Because there’s that too. If you don’t slow down and pay attention, then it eventually catches up with you, whatever “it” may be. It’s like when you try so hard not to get sick, especially when you have so much going on. Then you eventually actually get sick and you have to slow down anyway. Your mind and body wanted a break that whole time and you wouldn’t let it. So it was decided for you.
You know what seems to be catching up with me after all these years? Bulimia. My digestive track no longer has it in itself to do what it needs to do. I can see now how other habits too have caught up with me. It's making meals for other people in their time of need. But making a much healthier meal for them than for me or even my own family. It’s the guilt if I don’t try everyone’s contribution at potlucks. Or celebrating someone’s accomplishment and not wanting the cake but taking it anyway so I won’t hurt anyone’s feelings. But essentially, I hurt my own.
It has all caught up with me. And it’s time for “ketchup.” Yes, in a way, close the door, dim the lights, make a checklist, block out time, and go at my own pace. Not getting hung up on the noise and chaos I am trying to avoid and the pressure I put on myself to constantly be doing what I’m supposed to be doing. Listening to my own body. Similar to a teacher listening to their own intuition of their students’ needs.
In the most perfect world, I wouldn’t have hunger and sugar cravings. I swear I am a self-diagnosed diabetic with the sugar levels I feel like I am always combating. I’d feel more satisfied in life without finding the high in food. I wouldn’t need social media to give that thrill of posts and likes. I’d be more rooted in the present moment. More apt to feed my soul and nourish my body. Less trying so hard. More just being. The pounds would shed and the body would tone. It wouldn’t always feel like such a chore.
I remember wanting to eat healthier. Friends would make their incredible salads or put together these incredible casseroles. They made it look so effortless and seamless and easy. was striving for that, what appeared to be second nature. The automaticity in their healthier meal-making.
We all let people into our lives, but you will find that really good friends let you into your own. - Unknown
I feel like I have “arrived.” I’m there. I know what to do. I can put together and pack such great lunches only to spoil it by the end of the day with a much-needed sugar rush. In other words, I know what I’m supposed to do. But why does it have to feel so hard? How can I break that stigma? That negative, daunting self-talk? Why does my sugar high have to come from food? Am I not satisfied or surprised or thrilled enough in life? I know I could definitely benefit from more endorphins. I was definitely feeling that “high” after spin class on a recent Tuesday morning. #backatit
I want that feeling. Again and again. It takes such willpower and diligence. To get my ass out of bed. To put aside self-pity in moments of “Oh, I shouldn’t have that … oh, I guess I can, because… blah, blah blah.” All I got now is, “God help me.” Truly, God, help me. I am struggling to do this myself. To honor myself. To feel worthy enough to treat myself how I should. Not as a garbage can but rather as a charcuterie board - each item carefully, thoughtfully selected and placed for variety, color, nutrients, fun, and … love. Self-love.
My body isn’t trying to let me down. It’s just trying to keep up. Catch up. Please me like I’m trying to please everyone else. It’s like a train engine. Chugging along. Trying to do all the things, all the parts. A system. It just doesn’t feel as finely tuned as it used to be. Regardless, it still tries to keep up. Even on half cylinders sometimes. I feed it - more like dump into it - expect it to digest, maintain, nourish, and slenderize (somehow!). But I’m really not helping that situation much by not really meeting my body halfway. Stay with me, body. Don’t abandon me.
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I want a breakthrough with my body. Like it’s a separate entity to my being. A breakthrough like I spiritually and figuratively (actually, maybe quite literally) had with my flooded basement in 2015. Link to ‘Water:’
A love note to my body:
First of all, I want to say thank you.
For the heart you kept beating even when it was broken.
For every answer you gave me in my gut.
For loving me back even when I didn't know how to love you.
For every time you recovered when I pushed you past our limits.
For today.
For waking up.
- Cleo Wade
We write to release the beliefs that hold us back.We write to give a voice to all of the stories we've kept silent.We write to carry a message.We write to fulfill our purpose. - Gabby Bernstein
I want to write, but more than that, I want to bring out all kinds of things that lie buried deep in my heart. - Anne Frank
Write your own story, boldly leading yourself first so that others can learn from the faithful testimony of your life. - Scott E. Barron
Write because you want to communicate with yourself.Write because you want to communicate with someone else.Write because life is weird and tragic and amazing.Write because talking is difficult. Write because it polishes the heart.Write because you can.Write because you can't.Write because there is a blackbird outside of my window right now and oh my god isn't that the best start to the day?Write because you're trying to figure yourself out. Write because you might not ever figure yourself out. Write because there still aren't enough love poems in the world. - Dalton Day
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