By Stephanie Linehan
My mantra, when I swear mantras were not even a thing, was ‘I just want to be popular. I just want to be popular. I just want to be popular.’ Always in threes. ;) Friendships started to feel different about sixth grade. I thought people were planning a surprise party for me because they weren’t talking to me as much, like they had a secret. And that’s when I started to feel the slip. Cool was taking over. And I was not. I question now but not back then - why did I end up spending so much time trying and trying and trying to fit in? Listen to the “right” kind of music. Wear the “right” kind of clothes. Be trendy but alternative but cool but like you didn’t even have to try that hard. Ugh.
High school was … join all the clubs, sports, organizations and volunteer, volunteer, volunteer. Do all the things. All in the name of - and what felt like - stacking that college application. It was a lot and I felt burnout at a young age. But you keep going through the motions and putting a smile on your face all in the name of what you were “supposed” to do. You apply to colleges, get accepted (or not), and start the rigamarole all over again. This time, stacking your resume for job applications and hopefully … interviews.
All along this living-to-be-liked, I also wanted a boyfriend really badly. I didn’t have a ton of luck. I just really felt like I didn’t know what I was doing. No one really teaches you. You just throw yourself out there? LOL. I felt like I was doing it all wrong. I just wanted to be liked. To be loved.
I was working so hard for everyone else’s approval that I never learned how to live for my own. I said ‘yes’ to everything. I sometimes did things, went to things, offered to help, etc. when I really just didn’t even want to. I’ll never forget my friend Carri saying, “You don’t have to, Steph.” She was my confidence. It still resonates with me. I’m like Leo the Late Bloomer by Robert Krauss. It takes me a while.
Why do we have to spend so much of our time proving ourselves anyway? Where did this even come from? Who didn’t love or honor us enough that we constantly strive for approval from others and to be liked? Was it a person? A circumstance? A time in our lives?
The cycle continues to spin even into adulthood. The proving yourself enough to acquire a new job or a sale or a promotion or a date/relationship/proposal/engagement/marriage. Breaking your way into the world. Making your way into the world. Or motherhood. I just want to be a good mom. Gush and love and be proud. Cuddle as much as I can even though that is slipping away from me. I live and mother like I’ll screw up. I strive for reassurance that I’m doing okay at this. Luke’s card for my recent birthday had more handwritten words on it than ever before. I was excited to read it. I anticipated validation as a good mom.
“Happy Birthday Mom! Thank you for everything you do and working so hard for us.”
When I brought up how touched I was and wow! He really wrote that! He replied, ‘No, ChatGPT.” Luke! Buzzkill. And then … Boom! Humility.
I can’t live (or stress myself out) like this. I have to and I’m “supposed to” (wink, wink) just live. Not live to be liked.
Be myself. Go with my gut. And be grateful.
I once saw the verse: “Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus.” I recall taking that to mean I could never keep up with him. The timing of this find was meaningful as I was training for Ragnar. It was 2018. I can remember the time of day, the route, and the exact spot when it dawned on me. I don’t need to race towards Jesus: Picture him continuing to run, him looking back trying to coax me, and me never being able to catch him because come on people … Let’s be real … It’s Jesus! But instead, in that moment, that day, in that particular spot, came the realization that Jesus is actually running right alongside me. All of us. Like at eye level. Same stride. Same pace. I can actually keep up. And all of a sudden, that felt so much better.
I worked with a really special school staff at Immaculate Conception School in Columbia Heights, MN in the ‘23-’24 school year. For one activity, the group was to brainstorm catchy hashtags that represented their school community. They created some really great ones of course. One teacher’s in particular stood out:
Live for Heaven
Beautiful. And totally doable. Thank you, ICS.
Nowadays, I still aim very high to please and love and succeed. But I’m also striving to “float.” Not get hung up on proving but rather, just being. In the sense of being in the moment and doing my best. Doing as much as I can to learn and produce and make a difference. But staying within the means of my time and my heart. Striving to stay grounded in the here and now and not perseverate.
Self-love is not something you develop. It’s something you unwind back into as you release the beliefs that bullied you into thinking love had to be earned. Love is your nature. You don’t have to install it. You just have to remember it. - Cory Muscara
Note to self: Don't seek to be relevant, or liked. Seek to be undeniable. Seek to be compassionate. Seek integrity. Seek humility. Seek Light. - Unknown
Be yourself. If you water yourself down to please people or to fit in or to not offend anyone, you lose the power, the passion, the freedom and the joy of being uniquely you. It's much easier to love yourself when you are being yourself. - Dan Coppersmith
You can't make everyone happy. If you try to avoid disappointing others, you're just going to wind up disappointing yourself and living inauthentically. - Vienna Pharaon
Please love yourself instead of loving the idea of other people loving you. - The Poetics
Never go in search of love; go in search of life. And life will find you the love you seek. - Atticus
Comentários