By Stephanie Linehan
I surrendered on an evening in April of 2024. I drove aimlessly yet automatically; livid and intense to the river that night. Gasping for air, crying, and bawling. Arms stretched to the sky. Wide and accepting. Like a baby. Take me, God. I’m so embarrassed, heartbroken, hurt, low, desperate, alone, ugly, stupid, unsure, scared, and completely answer-less.
Nonetheless, my life turned at that exact moment. I let go. I couldn’t do it - whatever ‘it’ was (is) - anymore. I needed cradling and cuddling and nurturing and dependency. Like a baby. I needed someone to say, I’ll carry the weight now. Just be held.
Life unfolded some more after that night. It was like I gave up my power - more like my control - trying to have all the answers and all the figuring-it-out. I gave it all up to God.
I used to believe that prayer changes things, but now I know that prayer changes us, and we change things. - Mother Teresa
I saw, witnessed, and felt God’s love and extreme reassurance in that moment. God answered that night. I truly am a believer. You have to be. How can you not? We absolutely need that power to get us by. Because it is so hard on our own.
Life unfolded like a Jacob’s Ladder toy. Like dominos lined up during indoor recess in my classroom. Like the belt of stairs on an escalator.
A few more P3i workshops to wrap up that season. A side gig with River Valley Catering. My last few substitute teaching assignments. Continued work with Linehan Outdoor Services. And then … FSBT. A beacon of light. Warmly ironic yet quite symbolic … like a lighthouse in Duluth, MN (wink, wink #iykyk). Steadfast and dependable. Welcoming, loving, and caring. Open to embracing me and teaching me. A new community. A deep breath. A feeling of ‘I have arrived.’
Now, deep and intense gratitude. Living in the moment and remembering hardcore to be oh so grateful. And to pay it forward. Live as a steward.
Thank you, God.
People will tell you to surrender. You’ll read about it, observe it in others, and know you’re supposed to. But it’s like sometimes you need that desperation to kick it into action. You hold on so tightly and try so damn hard. You climb and climb and climb. And try and try and try. And then you just release. Like a free fall. In the clouds. Weightless and floating. I used to think it was like a giving up of sorts. But it’s actually more of a giving in. Giving in to God’s love. His tender loving care. It feels like a warm blanket wrapped around your shoulders, sitting in front of a warm fireplace, crying your eyes out but knowing it’s going to be okay. You will be okay.
Song: Just Be Held by Casting Crowns
Poem: Footprints, Unknown
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